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Old 07-22-2008, 11:14 PM   #1
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Comedy Corner

I must apologise to our forum administrators Peter and Chris for tonight's repartée with PDG. We tend to "get off topic" when the spirit is upon us. For this reason, perhaps you will tolerate such a thread as an outlet for the fun side of the forum.

So, Michael's recent joke about Descartes (Want another drink? I think not ... pfftz) : this is almost the best joke I have ever heard.

Here is my favourite joke :

Ask me "what is the essence of good humour?".

You begin, "What is the essence....."

I interject, before you finish the question : "Timing" !!!!!!!!

Any good?
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:27 PM   #2
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Any good?
No.
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:28 PM   #3
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No.
Your turn, then.
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:30 PM   #4
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Okay.

How do the French account for the Eiffel Tower?
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:31 PM   #5
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Okay.

How do the French account for the Eiffel Tower?

I fear this is a trick question. I don't know.
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:33 PM   #6
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No trick, Phil. However, I must to bed. Will reveal all on the morrow....
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:39 PM   #7
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No trick, Phil. However, I must to bed. Will reveal all on the morrow....

Patience is not one of my virtues. Good night !
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Old 07-23-2008, 07:02 AM   #8
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Sorry to be a spoil sport but no we won't - simply because we have this forum, comments and suggestions designed just for that purpose. You can engage in witty banter to your heart's content here!
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Old 07-23-2008, 01:53 PM   #9
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Q: Why was the transistor disqualified from the olympics?

A: He was caught doping!

Thank you and goodnight.
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Old 07-24-2008, 07:58 PM   #10
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Q: Why was the transistor disqualified from the olympics?

A: He was caught doping!

Thank you and goodnight.
I am ashamed to say this, but I don't understand the joke ! Could you explain, please? I know it kills a joke if you need to explain it, but please, for once, help me out.
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Old 07-24-2008, 07:59 PM   #11
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PDG has failed to deliver on his promise : the Eiffel Tower ?
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Old 07-24-2008, 08:40 PM   #12
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I have just pinched this joke off another website - and as it is musically oriented - it should suit this forum - although it is very mildly politically incorrect:

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about his varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!".

Stevie is a bit peeved by this but being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no! Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!".

Stevie is staring to get really annoyed now as the man doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability.

Stevie shouts to him from the stage, "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing...

"A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you!"

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Old 07-24-2008, 09:22 PM   #13
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Michael : took me while to get that one, but I got there. Can you explain Chris's joke to me?
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Old 07-24-2008, 09:27 PM   #14
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Whilst on the Japanese 'theme' :

Japanese tourist in London, very annoyed at the daily changes in the Yen-Pound Sterling exchange rate :

Japanese tourist, to bank cashier : "Why evvy time I come here the rate different?"
Bank cashier : "Fluctuation."
Japanese tourist : "Fluck you too, European!"
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Old 07-24-2008, 09:55 PM   #15
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Good one, Philip, but I think you might need a degree in computing to understand the joke Chris posted (I don't anyway) but I wish PDG would explain about the bloody Eifell Tower????
I know he has gone to bed but how much sleep does he need?????

Last edited by Michael; 07-24-2008 at 09:58 PM.
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Old 07-24-2008, 10:09 PM   #16
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Q: Why was the transistor disqualified from the olympics?

A: He was caught doping!

Thank you and goodnight.
I don't understand this either. My best guess is that 'transistor' means 'trans-sister' and 'doping' means 'cross-dressing', or something??...
But this never stopped Princess Anne...
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Old 07-24-2008, 10:11 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Philip View Post
PDG has failed to deliver on his promise : the Eiffel Tower ?
Well, the idea is that just like with golf, the French are useless at war! So.....

the Eiffel Tower came into being because one day the French found a lot of scrap metal lying around, and decided NOT to build a battleship. Ahem...
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Old 07-24-2008, 10:13 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Philip View Post
Whilst on the Japanese 'theme' :

Japanese tourist in London, very annoyed at the daily changes in the Yen-Pound Sterling exchange rate :

Japanese tourist, to bank cashier : "Why evvy time I come here the rate different?"
Bank cashier : "Fluctuation."
Japanese tourist : "Fluck you too, European!"
My mate, Godzilla, will fry you for this, Philip!...
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Old 07-24-2008, 10:16 PM   #19
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I know he has gone to bed but how much sleep does he need?????
Mike, I need far more than the recommended eight hours to maintain my Dan Dare-ish good looks. I require the finest masseuses (blondes have the surest touch), the best mud packs money can buy, and a solid 23 hours a night kip. zzzzzzzzzz......
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Old 07-25-2008, 03:34 AM   #20
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"Doping" in my joke refers to "blood doping", which is boosting the number of red blood cells in the body's circulation. It is used to enhance althetic performance in sporting events. This is illegal and they test for it; if you are found doing it, you are disqualified.

"Doping" is also the process of introducing impurities into a pure semiconductor in order to control its electrical properties. This process is part of how transistors are manufactured.
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Old 07-25-2008, 01:05 PM   #21
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"Doping" is also the process of introducing impurities into a pure semiconductor in order to control its electrical properties. This process is part of how transistors are manufactured.
Darn! Of course! Why didn't I think of that?
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Old 07-25-2008, 01:38 PM   #22
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Mike, I need far more than the recommended eight hours to maintain my Dan Dare-ish good looks. I require the finest masseuses (blondes have the surest touch), the best mud packs money can buy, and a solid 23 hours a night kip. zzzzzzzzzz......
Nah, I have the perfect massage for you. Allow me to don my Doc Marten's.
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Old 07-25-2008, 01:47 PM   #23
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"Doping" in my joke refers to "blood doping", which is boosting the number of red blood cells in the body's circulation. It is used to enhance althetic performance in sporting events. This is illegal and they test for it; if you are found doing it, you are disqualified.

"Doping" is also the process of introducing impurities into a pure semiconductor in order to control its electrical properties. This process is part of how transistors are manufactured.
Semiconductors, you say? What, do they conduct Beethoven at half speed, or only give half of the necessary gestures to the orchestra?
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Old 07-25-2008, 10:30 PM   #24
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"Doping" is also the process of introducing impurities into a pure semiconductor in order to control its electrical properties. This process is part of how transistors are manufactured.
Chris, respectfully, please never consider a career in stand-up...
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Old 07-26-2008, 02:01 AM   #25
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Chris, respectfully, please never consider a career in stand-up...
Hm...that joke killed at the office.
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Old 07-26-2008, 12:57 PM   #26
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We don't believe you!
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Old 08-16-2008, 01:04 AM   #27
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Thumbs up

Oh god you guys got me good! LMAO that is a good question philip.. hehehe Beethoven conducted on half speed, that would be funny to watch hehehe! *ROFL*

Ok I have a good one.. I'll give this joke to my best friend back in 12th grade. :-D (especially today is friday)

Q. Why the chicken DIDN'T cross the road??!!

...... Get it or Not sure?

A. Today is friday!!

If you still don't get it here it is:

Fried Chicken..

FRI - DAY!

HEHEHEHEAHAHA :-D

Last edited by Angel; 08-16-2008 at 01:08 AM.
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Old 08-19-2008, 12:19 AM   #28
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Angel : quite possibly the worst joke I ever heard. Worse than Chris's, worse than PDG.

Next !
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Old 08-19-2008, 12:26 AM   #29
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Chris, respectfully, please never consider a career in stand-up...
Old fashioned telegram to PDG :

"Please. Stop."
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Old 08-19-2008, 04:06 AM   #30
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*rolling on the floor laughing at philip*

I didn't came up with this joke!
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Old 08-26-2008, 07:34 AM   #31
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Wink A joke for musicians



A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar.

The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.

* * *
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Old 08-26-2008, 02:16 PM   #32
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Very good one Megan!! I have to share this with both of my music teachers LOL
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:22 PM   #33
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Even though Megan refuses to speak to me, I must congratulate her for an excellent joke. Would it work for someone of an "atonal" point of view?
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:52 PM   #34
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Time then, for one of my "sketches" :

Vienna, Beethoven's apartment, during a first private rehearsal of op. 127 :

L v Beethoven : Himself
Anton Schindler : Peter
Dr Bach, B's lawyer : Chris
Schuppanzigh : Philip
Johanna van B : Megan
Frau Schnapps, B's housekeeper : Joy
Immortal Beloved : Angel
Carl Czerny : Sorrano
"Papa" Haydn : Hofrat

Schuppanzigh : Damn, this quartet's a bitch to play!
LvB : Try taking your violin out of its case, you fat oaf!
Schindler : Master, I bring hot gossip about ...
LvB : Shut up, cretin! And stop trying to burn that conversation book!
Schindler : But Master, it reveals ...
LvB : Silence, idiot! Bring me some roast veal !
Schindler : As Master wishes ...
LvB : That's better. Who's that?
Dr Bach : Herr Beethoven, I bring news of ...
LvB : Shut up, you're fired!
Frau Schnapps : Hey, cloth ears! Give me some money for the shopping. It's market day!
LvB : Vas?
Frau Schnapps : I said, cough up the lolly, dolly!
LvB : Muss es sein?
Fraus Schnapps : Yeah, yeah, es muss sein. The money, you looney!
LvB : Foul hag! At least buy us some nice fish and don't try to poison me like you did last time!
Czerny : Master, this Emperor concerto thing ...
LvB : Fool, you have cauliflowers for ears !
Haydn : Really, Ludwig, you really are an unlicked bear !
LvB : Shut up, you old dog! You never taught me anything!
Johanna van B : Hello, darling, how about "a quickie" now my husband's dead !
Immortal Beloved : Bitch ! He's mine !
LvB : Vas?

End of act 1

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Old 08-30-2008, 09:09 AM   #35
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I love your short sketch Philip, I'll be looking forward to the next installment. Poor old Johanna, I am sure that Ludwig exaggerated a bit when he cruelly dubbed her 'Queen of the Night'.

By the way, what do you mean I refuse to speak to you

.

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Old 08-31-2008, 05:32 PM   #36
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I love your short sketch Philip, I'll be looking forward to the next installment. Poor old Johanna, I am sure that Ludwig exaggerated a bit when he cruelly dubbed her 'Queen of the Night'.

By the way, what do you mean I refuse to speak to you

.
I shall be delighted to provide other acts to my epic play, starring the members of this very forum !

I thought you weren't speaking to me because you said I was a bully (which I'm not!). Anyway, your joke above was excellent. Any more like that?
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Old 08-31-2008, 06:27 PM   #37
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Smile

Quote:
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I shall be delighted to provide other acts to my epic play, starring the members of this very forum !

I thought you weren't speaking to me because you said I was a bully (which I'm not!). Anyway, your joke above was excellent. Any more like that?
I refuse to play the part of Anton Schindler - damn it he was a violinist!!!!!!! The Archduke would be far more fitting though I admit a fortunate lack of physical resemblance.
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Old 08-31-2008, 07:21 PM   #38
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I refuse to play the part of Anton Schindler - damn it he was a violinist!!!!!!! The Archduke would be far more fitting though I admit a fortunate lack of physical resemblance.
I will allot you another role then, in my next Act.
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Old 09-01-2008, 12:49 AM   #39
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Talking

Meagan, very good LOL! Beethoven would have enjoyed that joke with all of it's puns.

Philip I appreciate you casting me as the houskeeper. I keep a very nice house plus am not above asking for money!
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Old 09-02-2008, 06:18 PM   #40
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Oh my god that's hilarious philip hehehe "Bitch he's Mine!" hehehahaha
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